Goalposts getting wider..
DATE : 2017-10-20 01:34:03
The last time I was truly truly happy was... Well I guess when my kids were born.. Else life has been Topsy turvy.. One blackhole after another.. Never expected life to be the way it was... Goalposts have kept on changing and become bigger and bigger.. At times want to just run away from everything.. I am never happy nowadays.. Just satisfied when things are less tumultuous.. Most of the time they are tumultuous and it drives me crazy, mentally and physically.. But well I have to be calm in front of others.. I just can't talk about my problems with anyone.. That's in my nature, and unfortunately that has taken a toll.. Massive toll.. There is uncertainty in every aspect of my life.. Personal, professional.. And the more I think it will get better the more it gets more uncertain.. Lol.. But in midst of all this I have to keep smiling. Why.. I don't know. There's a saying you can't keep everyone happy.. Well, my take on the same is you can't keep anyone happy. Lucky are ones who have managed to balance everything.. And are happy. I think I am one of those would whom the almighty has sent into this world who can't keep anyone happy and nor can he keep himself happy.. What do I do.. I don't really know. Honestly. A wife who when she gets frustrated says every crude thing that will drive one to the hilt.. Beyond limits.. A father who has aged and ar this age he himself remains on the brink of health.. So its useless to expect much from him.. He tries to balance somewhat like me.. But alas falters.. Mum, well she's not there to guide.. And that is something that I miss.. No one else whom I can go to in this world for true support.. Although I am sure there are some who are there who will lend shoulders to cry and listen, but no communication ability kinds of lessens the scope. Job sucks, family life sucks, no friends, no one to share my worries with.. I see folks who have achieved so much in front of me and I am still that guy who seems to have achieved nothing in life.. Nothing.. Zilch.. Zero.. Hand to mouth existence I guess. If ever I try to voice my frustration, what I get in return is lethal.. In behavior and in words.. Specially from my spouse. Have reached a stage in my life, where I can't undo anything.. My biggest mistake in life... Too many too many.. Actually too many mistakes to even count.. Will pen more thoughts some other time..