Lost...

Where to begin? When you're 11 years old the farthest thing from your mind is finding that special someone who you would fall in live with, get married to, have a family with and grow old together. But when I was 11 that's just what happened. I had been bounced around from school to school. Dealt with my parents constantly arguing, fussing, fighting and bickering. I met this guy and he was so sweet. He didn't have the normal figure of what most girls go after. No six pack, no boyish charm good looks. Instead he was overweight, had a goofy looking face and wild hair. But he was overwhelmingly sweet, kind, honest, trustworthy and most importantly he was there and showed interest. It blossomed into a beautiful friendship. Of course being in middle school I was influenced by the thoughts of my peers as was he and he wrote me a note and passed it to me in English class. The note said will you be my girlfriend check yes or no. I blushed and giggled, then I checked yes. We became boyfriend and girlfriend. We were smitten with each other. We became inseparable always talking falling asleep on the phone with each other. It didn't matter the convo just as long as we were together. Then just like what happens in middle school I broke up with him. I started falling for him and I ran scared. Over the course of middle and high school we would always break up, remain friends and get back together. Finally in 11th grade we stayed together. Our senior year of high school he asked me to marry him in our senior parking lot. I said yes. We didn't get married until a year ago and I'm now almost 28 years old. We've still been on and off all this time. Something always pulls us back together again. Unfortunately now I don't know if that will be the case. He's gone, he barely speaks to me and tomorrow will be our 1 year wedding anniversary after being together on and off for 16 1/2 years. Living without him is so hard. Some days I can barely move from all the pain and sadness I feel inside. Some days I just cry and cry and then cry some more. Being without him is the worst thing in the world. I honestly feel like I'm dying a little each day. I do think one can die from a broken heart. Mine is shattered into a million little pieces and putting them back together again is feeling impossible. I don't know what to do or how to go on with these feelings. I just want to end the pain, sadness, grief and tears. I'm beginning to think the only way is to end it all. Maybe then I won't cause anyone anymore pain.